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Have you ever noticed how, in love, we sometimes vanish before anyone asks us to? How we shrink, soften, and quiet ourselves—not because someone else forced us to, but because we learned avoidance as survival?

In this episode, I sit down with Colette Fehr, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love. We dive into the patterns of self-silencing that many of us develop in relationships—patterns that quietly erode connection and teach us to disappear.

Colette’s book illuminates a truth that’s both shocking and liberating: it’s not only avoidant partners who create distance. Our own avoidance—our quiet quitting, our reluctance to speak up, our people-pleasing—shapes how we show up, how we love, and how we protect ourselves from rejection.

Together, we explore:

• How we become avoidant ourselves through self-silencing and people-pleasing
• The slow erosion of connection caused by avoiding the “hard conversations”
• Identifying our emotional triggers and taking full responsibility for our feelings
• Communication strategies that honor both our needs and our partner’s, without losing ourselves
• The radical Breakupward insight: noticing where we shrink is not shame—it’s a roadmap to reclaim our presence, voice, and boundaries

This conversation isn’t just about heartbreak. It’s about transformation: seeing the ways we’ve disappeared in love, understanding why, and learning how to step fully into ourselves again.

If you’ve ever felt the tension between wanting closeness and fearing conflict—or found yourself quietly giving up pieces of yourself to keep love intact—this episode is for you. Colette and I break down the psychology, the patterns, and the radical path to self-loyalty that emerges when we Breakupward.

Listen, lean in, and discover how your own avoidance has been both a signal and a teacher—and how reclaiming your voice can change everything.

Get in touch with Colette Fehr:

Website

Book

TEDx Talk

Podcast

Instagram

Chelsea Leigh Trescott:

Email: chelsea@breakupward.com

Instagram: https://instagram.com/thankyouheartbreak

Advice Column: https://www.huffpost.com

Writing: https://thoughtcatalog.com/chelsea-leigh-trescott