『Breaking Down to Breakthrough』のカバーアート

Breaking Down to Breakthrough

Breaking Down to Breakthrough

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When I was seventeen, I struggled with severe depression, suicidal ideations, attempted suicide, and was diagnosed with PTSD. That’s just a snapshot. I could send myself into a tailspin within seconds. The darkness became so overwhelming that I eventually agreed to admit myself into a hospital for help. At the time, I believed things would only get worse. I couldn’t imagine a future filled with hope, peace, or joy. Looking back now, this was a period of my life that I’m surprised I survived. What I didn’t understand then was that I wasn’t at the end of my story.Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.I was standing in a garden that desperately needed tending.Back then, I thought my breakdowns meant something was wrong with me. I did everything I could to avoid them. I wanted to outrun the sadness, distract myself from the pain, and pretend everything was okay. Eventually, life taught me something different. A breakdown isn’t a bottom. It’s the turning of the soil before new growth can emerge and breakthrough to become a beautiful flower.One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is to embrace the breakdown. Not because it’s comfortable. Not because it’s fun. But because resisting it only prolongs the suffering.Today, through the lens of Inner Garden Work, I see these moments as growth seasons. Just as a garden experiences storms, droughts, and seasons where everything appears dormant, we experience periods of grief, anxiety, depression, heartbreak, and uncertainty. What looks like the end of something is often the beginning of something new.The bigger the downward spiral, the bigger the growth spurt At least, that’s how it’s worked for me. That’s what I call the breakdowns to breakthroughs that come after I’ve done the work of feeling, integrating, healing, and growing.Learning this skill didn’t prevent difficult seasons from happening. Life still delivers losses, disappointments, heartbreaks, and challenges. What changed was my understanding of them. I stopped seeing myself as broken. I started seeing myself as reclaiming my garden.When a storm arrives now, I remind myself that it has come to teach me something. The lesson might take a day. It might take a month. Sometimes it takes much longer. In my experience, the length of the lesson often depends on how tightly I’m holding onto the problem. The first step is always the same. Feel the feelings. Don’t run, numb, avoid, or pretend I’m not having them.When one of my Category 4 hurricanes rolls through, I let it move through me. I cry. I journal. I sit quietly. I allow myself to acknowledge what is happening instead of pretending it isn’t there.Then I start asking questions:· What fears are stirring up?· What belief needs to be weeded out?· What do I want to plant?· What needs nurturing in my garden?· What lesson am I being invited to learn?I didn’t get to this place alone. My mom did her best to help me see that I was working myself up in my teen years. She gave me a seed—I just wasn’t ready to plant it yet.In my early thirties, I was introduced to the work of Byron Katie. A friend gave me a CD series called Making Your Thoughts Work for You with Dr. Wayne Dyer and Byron Katie. While I had already done a great deal of personal growth, her approach gave me practical tools for examining the stories I was telling myself. Her work helped me understand something profound: Not every thought deserves a place in the garden. Some thoughts are flowers. Some thoughts are weeds. Learning to question my stressful thoughts became one of the most effective tools I’ve ever found for creating peace.Another lesson came from my first sponsor in AL-ANON. She suggested I stand on a chair and look at a room from a different angle. Then she encouraged me to change the order of my daily routines. One day she told me to put the opposite foot into my underwear first. I had to leave myself a note in my underwear drawer. It sounds ridiculous, but it worked. The exercise wasn’t about underwear. It was about interrupting familiar patterns.When we become trapped in our thoughts, we often become trapped in our habits as well. Sometimes the smallest change can help us see a situation differently.I’m neurodivergent, so living in my head can sometimes be a little overwhelming. It’s important for me to have ways to break myself out stories that aren’t serving me. This is what I call feeding the weeds.It’s one of the reasons I love hiking off trail. When I’m paying attention to roots, snakes, sticks, and direction, I become fully present. The constant chatter quiets down, and I reconnect with the moment I’m in. I also love deep cleaning. When I’m paying attention to the little details of what I’m doing my mind slows down, and I can start being present to moment. Then, I take a few minutes to breathe and be present in my body to see what I’m really feeling. I have quite a few...
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