JUN. 8, 2026

How to make anger work for you (2)

"Sensible people control their temper." Pr 19:11 NLT

Anger scares many of us because we've been harmed by it. But anger can be evidence that a person cares about someone or something. Nothing wrong is ever made right without someone becoming angry about it. If you shut down all anger, you eliminate passion, intimacy, and love.

Here are two ways to make anger work for you:

(1) Direct your anger at the right target. Your spouse is not the enemy; Satan is. He comes to "steal, and to kill, and to destroy" (Jn 10:10 KJV). He's the one trying to drive a wedge between you. Consciously move your focus from your spouse to the problem.

For example,

• get angry at your lack of finances, not your spouse's spending.
• Get angry at demands pulling you in different directions, not your spouse staying late at work.
• Get angry at the limitations on intimacy, not your spouse saying no to sex.
• Put the problem "out there," separate from you and your spouse.
• See yourselves as fighting the problem together.

Attack the problem, not each other.

(2) Look for the pain. Find the pain that triggered the anger; it's almost always there. Look for it in your spouse and in your own heart. What need isn't being met? What wound has been exposed? What shame or fear is aroused? When you identify the pain, you'll be miles closer to the solution. But beware! By being vulnerable, you may end up wounding each other sometimes; acknowledge it and forgive quickly. Staying engaged while risking vulnerability will increase intimacy more than anything else. So embrace anger as God's gift, and learn how to make it work for you.

How to make anger work for you Direct your anger at the right target.

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