Welcome back to Judging Things, where dry lips meet ruthless opinions and absolutely no product is safe. In this episode, the girls dive headfirst into the cutthroat world of lip balm reviews—and yes, things get weird. From the “OG basic” ChapStick to crunchy-girl Burt’s Bees, spicy Carmex, chaotic Starburst-flavored nonsense, and one rogue under-the-boob vet clinic chapstick, no lip moisturizer escapes judgment.

Along the way, the trio uncovers shocking truths (your lips are basically your inside mouth on the outside), debates whether lip balm addiction is real, and discovers that most lip products are basically just petroleum jelly in disguise with a personality problem.

And then—like a smooth, glossy hero—one product absolutely demolishes the competition.

If you’ve ever wondered which lip balm actually works, which ones are secretly sabotaging your lips, and which ones belong straight in the trash… this episode delivers sass, science, and savage takes in equal measure.

P.S. We swear. A lot. Listener discretion advised.

Key Takeaways:

• Your lips are high-maintenance drama queens: No oil glands = constant dryness. Your lips need help, and licking them makes things worse. Stop it.
• ChapStick is the toxic ex of lip care: Feels good at first, then slowly ruins your life (and your lips). Alcohol + fragrance = dry, irritated chaos.
• Burt’s Bees = crunchy illusion of wellness: Smells like peppermint dreams, feels like regret.
• Carmex is a sneaky little liar: The pain relief (hello, camphor) masks the damage.
• Flavored lip balms: scam wrapped in nostalgia. Your 13yr old self deserved better.
• “Addiction” to lip balm is… kinda real: Some products create the problem they claim to solve.
• Cheap. Effective. No nonsense. Dermatologist-approved. Vaseline reigns supreme.
• Pro tip for elite lip care: Use a humectant (like hyaluronic acid) first, then seal it in with Vaseline. Hydration + protection = chef’s kiss.

Links:

• "The BEST Lip Balm for Chapped Lips", by Doctorly
• "Is Lip Balm Addictive" by DrDrayzday
• "101 Uses of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly" by Vaseline
• "Mayo Minute: Petroleum Jelly" by the Mayo Clinic
• The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly
• Joanna's Boob chapstick
• Vaseline Petroleum Jelly 12ct

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Hosts/Producers/Editors: Jeanne Hafner, Jessica Griffith, & Joanna Hafner

Original Music by Lundstroem