So we’re back again pretty soon. Yay me for being productive.

Boo this guy who stops by the home of Dr. Owens to show him some pictures of Chrissy and Owens is like so you’re just going to let the local police think that poor metal head kid did this?

And Sullivan is like I think it was a girl our government traumatized, we’re clearly the good guys and Owens is like we shouldn’t have ever taken this land from indigenous people…

Over in California, Angela is still crying boo hoo FAFO

Jonathon lets the talking bong drive and they discuss how roller-skates are made.

They get home find that Joyce has taken a wife, and his name is Murray and he made risotto…

Joyce tells them she has to leave and Jonathon is like leave where? where are we?

Mike says “sitting across the table from a monster” and El is like “last straw hair boy” and Will is like “I can’t even defend him about this”

Lucas finds Jason loading guns and sharpening knives and saying “I just want to talk to him” over and over.

Eddie shovels cereal in his mouth and wants the bad news first, always… ☹

Sirens cause him to pull an ostrich and shove his head under a tarp while the others go and find Nancy and she tells them the plot to nightmare on elm street but they tell her the plot to this season. Steve wants her again for no discernible reason except for he peaked in high school and she was that peak.

She wants to go to the library and Robin has to go with her to be scowled at because Robin is poor… (literally that’s the source of this)But good thing because Robin finds out that bigfoot might be real and Victor is innocent and this is not Venca’s first rodeo.

Mike is good at words for the first time ever but just for a second, but then Eleven says she’s different and he’s like “I know what you’re going through” and she’s like “excuse me white middle class male in the 80s, who lives in suburbia… I was ripped from my mother’s womb and grown in a test tube and trained to be an assassin, I assure you, you do not.”

Also, she keeps saying “From” and he’s like J.J. Abrams and Harold Parrineau? that show is awesome. The cops find out that a teenage girl stood up for herself so she is promptly arrested.

On a plane Murray tells Joyce her kids are on drugs and she braces for takeoff.

In Russia Hopper is beaten by his new friend and gives someone bread to break his leg.

Venca gets into the minds of Hawkins teens and punches them in the back of the head with his mind or something. And Jason finds Corroded Coffin sans Eddie and hits them in the front and Lucas is like “I just wanted to play basketball now I’m in two cults”

Eleven is questioned by the police who ask if she wanted to kill Angela and she’s like “she’s not the only one, I want to kill so many people including both of you” and I’m like “she’s literally allowed”

Max steals some keys to break into the school and I’m like “she’s also literally allowed”

Jason is after Dustin now and this finally wakes Lucas up and makes him realize he’s been riding around with the dark side. So he makes me proud and leads the douchebags in the wrong direction, and promptly gets the freak out of there.

Eleven is taken away and then hijacked and then kidnapped by Owens who takes her to a diner and says “if you relive your entire childhood trauma I will buy you waffles” and she’s like “Eggos?” and he’s like “no” and she says “I’m a monster, I think I’ve killed a lot of people” and he’s like “No one cares, you're literally the best, most innocent character of all of fiction now and in the past and future, you're an angel” Well he didn't but he was thinking it, along with everyone else

Max finds out her “headaches” and “nightmares” are caused by an ancient monster terrorizing her with a grandfather clock. Roll credits.

So we are back in Hawkins, and California and Russia… geez!

Hopper is alive! this reveal is meh… and how did he survive the lightening bolts of disintegration?Umm… he fell down?

Max wakes up from a nightmare into a daymare when she sees the head cheerleader has been pretzeled and de-eyed. Yikes.

A plane lands in California, and two teenagers wait on theguy they are both obsessed with and he is the dorkiest person on earth and El is like “FROM”? Mike, from? And Will is like, hug me? No, okay I’ll just go kms then I guess

And the talking bong is like, your cheap ass mom got you theknock off clothes, and Mike is like what is that smell? and Jonathon is like pass the dutchie over here is my best friend because I literally don’t remember the person I was six months ago

Mike is like oh cool, because nothing phases him in that hat,it’s radioactive and bad vibes nor critical thoughts can penetrate it.

El lies and lies some more and Will looks like Chrissyat the end of the last episode because of how many times he rolls his eyes at his lying sister (aww!)

Also… Murray is there.

Robin and Steve want to merge and form a datable person named Reve…

Lucas is puking and we are led to believe that he’s hungoverbut remember Chrissy threw up in the last episode too. I think that’s just what happens when you spend more than one hour with Jason.

Max goes to Dustin and is like “Eddie is Ted Bundy” andDustin is like “No way!” and she’s like “Maybe?” and he’s like “You think?” and she’s like “No, I’m not really sure what my stance is supposed to be, but we have to get this plot moving”

Murray tells Joyce that her boyfriend has been fried like somuch toast and we can all see that she just got botox. And she’s like I disagree with one of those things, but I’m offended by both

But they are both wrong because Hopper is an elephant and an elephant doesn’t snitch (isn’t that the quote?)… unlike his daughter who apparently is a snitch because she dared to get bullied in front of a teacher and the whole town including adults that work at the skating rink bully her like Carrie

The cops show up to tell Jason his hair should not look likethat after sleeping on the floor of an abandoned burger place and he starts singing “I’m just Ken” and my girlfriend was just a mannequin in my life but I’m going to go scream in the woods and then he's like "I’m going to be the most normal about this that anyone has ever been about anything. So where do you guys think I could get some tar and feathers?”

Jonathon says “I’m emo” and his talking bong is like “pfftweed” enough said.

Joyce calls Russia and is like “Can you help me get myboyfriend back?” and tippi hedren is like this is the wrong phone booth and she’s like Murray, reroute.

Hopper is in prison for letting the Duffer Brothers do whatthey did to me at the end of season 5

Jason transforms from being Kenough into being Tyler Durden

Nancy talks to Uncle wayne and he thinks Freddie Kruegerkilled Chrissy in the dreamworld and honestly he’s not that far off.

Fred follows the sound of a clock into the forest as you do

Will is like “Mike you’re a bad friend” and Mike is like “Notjust friend… best friend” wink

Angela who we thought couldn’t get worse is like “Heyjane isn’t it hilarious that your dad is dead” and Jane is like I’m Eleven so stfu and the thwop heard round the world happens as a roller skate finds it’s true place in the skull of “this bitch” FAFO Angela

Finding a lead, the family video gang goes to thehouse of a mythical drug dealer… as one does… and Steve is like “Imma poke this boat” and dustin is like “bad idea” and steve is like “Why” and the boat stands up and tries to kill him but actually it’s Kas the bloody handed… I mean Eddieand he gives us a tearful account of why he’s innocent

Fred gets the Chrissy treatment as Eddie describes it and Venca LIVES! In an attic? Okay my guy, you need a towel or something to dry off, the squelching is getting out of hand.

Life imitates art and I even heard a little girl cheer when Glinda slapped Elphaba and I was like "WHAT?!?" At best Glinda starts the second film as what is comparable to a Nazi sympathizer... no matter her reasoning (which is that she likes getting stuff and being praised, not a very convincing excuse) She's not a good person at the start of the film... there is a seed of good but it always came from Elphie's influence, ALWAYS and ONLY because of Elphaba... now I do applaud her willingness to change because she feels guilt about it from the start but like he said Fiyaro was only pretending to go along with Wizard to be a double agent, not because he wanted power and fame... Glinda was in it for herself... but as a character we see her growth and it's true and genuine goodness in my opinion... I don't have a problem with the character's redemption what I have a problem with is the reaction, it seems like moreso in the second film but overall that the audience likes her more, and she's goofy and funny so I get it, she's charming and Ariana is adorable... but people are being just as niave as munchkins and the studio is being just like the wizard, she's marketable and it doesn't matter that she's not the good guy (per se) they can "sell" her and people are buying it... imagine missing the point that hard, embarrassing

We are back so soon with a few new characters and adventures for season 4 of Stranger Things

So in 1979 which was FOUR YEARS before Eleven opened the gate and Will was taken to the upside down, remember that for all the scenes that ever take place in Hawkins lab for this season, they are ALL in 1979!

Brenner is showing off to himself how smart he is with a crossword puzzle and then going to work to see how stupid he really is by kidnapping kids and "one" of them massacres literally everyone in the building besides himself and one other

That's the hook

In 1986, in California El is writing a letter to Mike, telling him almost nothing but LIES

I guess girlfriends lie all the time too...

Jonathon is on the POT, smoking that dank stuff with a marijauna plant that has gained sentience and started talking, they call him Argyle

Joyce is a telemarketer now which is surprising given how many times phones have attacked her in the past...

In Hawkins, Mike and co. are freshmen in High School and Lucas is trying to not get beat up all the time and Dustin and Mike are like, we want to get beat up even more... by this guy who we follow around like lost sheep and his name is Eddie (he's secretly super nice but its a secret)

Eddie dances on tables and yells at everyone who can hear him and is just in general the best thing that has happened to the show since Eleven killed a bunch of abusive a-holes

Max is depressed and I can't even joke about it because it's too REAL and I feel bad for her.

we meet a cheerleader who is also going through a rough time

So we get to see the worst villain this show has ever seen and her name is Angela. She's mean to El for literally no reason... El is talking about her dead dad and Angela is like "wait, he's a loser" and I'm like... someone kill this bitch asap

Joyce gets a doll in the mail and calls Murray who is unnecessarily naked in a bath of ice... flayed? no, just sore after doing karate with preteens, the doll is literally russian but I don't see Natasha Lyonne which is disappointing

Back in Hawkins Mike and Dustin keep getting rejected by people who don't want to play D&D with them and this is karma for what they did to Will last year

The cheerleader (chrissy) meets up with Eddie in the forest for the best Disney princess meet cute anyone has ever seen (Eddie is the princess btw)

he throws himself on the ground and rolls around in leaves as is the mating ritual of the 80s metal head teenager... (or 20yr old)

She is charmed but still wants DRUGS, HARD DRUGS because this girl is losing her mind and seeing clocks in trees and spiders everywhere... girl sounds like you already had some... I would have needed to be on something this entire time if I were her because she is dating the worlds most boring ken doll, he probably literally isn't even anatomically correct... and he doesn't realize his girlfriend of forever is going through trauma but Eddie clocks it (pardon the pun) in under two minutes? wow

So there is a game, basketball and D&D and they are both intense and Sinclairs win them both and I honestly do not care at all about sports ball but seeing Lucas win made me literally feel like a proud parent...

Eddie takes Chrissy to his place for some "special K" which i guess is a pill and not code for kissing (boo) but she gets snap crackle popped like so much cereal right in front of him and that's the end of this episode... wow

So we are back for the finale and El uses all her powers to be extra badass and pull a piece of the mindflayer out of her leg. AFTER Jonathon spends what feels like an hour with his hand INSIDE her leg... it's so gruesome and it literally makes me cry.

She's so brave!

And she gets it out and throws it to Hopper who steps on it like "don't mess with my daughter BITCH!"

Erica calls Maury bald about a million times and I guess it's supposed to be funny. But this episode is hardly funny, there are a lot of tears.

El's powers are gone now somehow.

They try to split up and give each other cute nicknames for their groups.

The Griswalds, Scoops Troop, Bald Eagle, the lovebirds (Jopper)

Steve takes on yet another child by telling the yellow car he's it's daddy and wow... yea alright

Maury keeps trying to talk to Russians and Hopper just wants to shoot them all

The griswalds try to leave but Billy is there just staring at then like a psycho so nothing new with him

The mindflayer flesh monster shows up and it's a horror movie for about thirty minutes

as they finally try to leave, Billy starts heading for them, like going to run over Nancy for real but Steve smashes into his car and it catches on fire and everyone is like "steve good thing you did that because Billy is evil" and he's like "yea I knew that last year" and they are like "no it's like REALLY evil" and he's like "right and racist" because remember as far as Steve knows at this point he's just hitting regular Billy's car with the Toddfather car, Steve's seventh adopted child.

Hopper and Joyce need the code but the only person on earth who knows it is in Utah and that's Suzie, she finally copies... except she won't tell Dustin the code unless he humiliates himself in front of everyone he knows

and so he does and it's so awkward...

Then Billy crawls out of his car and spots El, his target and the flesh monster stops chasing the Griswald car and Billy hits three children and takes one and lays her (Eleven) down in the middle of the mall like a sacrifice to this monster, it's dark... but then Lucas comes in with the fireworks, good job and idea my guy...

It's a rush to get the gate closed before they run out of fireworks and this thing kills El and she knows it and she looks Billy in the eyes and is like "I saw you, I see you, I know who you could have been, you still can" and he's like... "Word?"

and Word indeed because the fireworks are gone, Hopper has fought off Griori for the last time and killed him and Joyce has Macgyvered her belt to turn two keys at once and two grown men give their lives to save El because she is equal to about forty adult white men at least... honestly lol but it's super sad, even for Billy in a way, it's who he could have been but it got abused out of him until this very moment where he finally does the right thing and Max is Devastated and Hopper is "dead" and we are all devastated and the news is like "is this because of a harmless fantasy game??? because that's how society is and it's so infuriating... and then El finds a speech meant for her from her dad, Hopper and my gosh Millie Bobby Brown is the best actress in the world I do not care what anyone says... and then they all cry and hug because Joyce has adopted El and at least now she has someone to fix her hair and they are all going to leave Hawkins, the Byers + El that is... and they do and it's super sad and then Steve and Robin get jobs at the video store because she knows movies and he is a hot chick magnet (supposedly) and then it's over and Hopper is dead... for real... you can leave now, he's gone... oh wait, those aren't stars, it's snow and we are back in Russia where "the american" is in a cell... but we don't see him but we all know and it was such a fake out...

Mayor Kline starts us off by quoting Hammond from Jurassic Park and the nerve of this guy, you are not John Hammond, you a-hole. Karen is trying to force Ted into having fun and he calls it torture and she says that's what makes it fun considering my entire life is serving you and these kids, I deserve one fun DAY TED! Well she doesn't say that out loud but I know she's thinking it. The Ferris wheel stops at the top because Karen slipped Jimmy a 5 and that's hilarious to me for some reason. Holly sees the trees move and Karen tells her that we don't listen to the concerns of women in Hawkins and she needs to get used to it now because this will last her whole life... at the cabin they are discusing how they are all going to die because a male monster can't handle knowing a small girl is more powerful than him, and just like most weak ass males he overreacts to his bruised ego by wanting to do a genocide... and even though Hopper didn't say no parties, this party gets out of hand just a tad and there is hole in roof by the end of it. El is a badass but they still peace out because this thing is relentless and also just a pile of exploded flesh and how do you kill that? and so El got bit...

The scoops troop escapes the underground lab and Steve and Robin are so stoned... but steve swears he doesn't DO drugs dad, it's only marijuana lol

They watch a new movie about incest and Dustin tries to contact the others for a ride

Mike apologizes to El and skirts around telling her his feelings while she messes with his mind about it, it's cute honestly. But Dustin interrupts that moment to scream about how they are under attack or something Mike probably doesn't care about as much as his convo with El but needs must...

Steve and Robin get lost and then get sick and Steve tells Robin he likes her and she says "but I'm a Lesbian" and he's like "I thought you were American?" (RIP Vine)

Murray yells at Joyce and Hopper because they haven't gotten laid in a while and it's making them both (aka just Hopper really) insufferable

They get pouty about him and Alexi laughing at them for it and for him saying it at all...

They get to the fair and Hopper and Joyce run into Karen and Ted and they all have to go on a ride and Jopper holds hands aww and Ted looks miserable

Karen is smiling like this is the best ride she's had since that dream she had about Billy that Ted will never hear about...

Alexi has lots of fun while Murray gets corndogs and when Alexi wins a Woody Woodpecker toy, the terminator gets jealous because he tried to win that for hours and couldn't so he shoots him... (I'm trying to lighten it up but it's so freaking sad)

Murray, Joyce and Hopper try to get out of there, Hopper has to fight a lot of men in black outfits and doesn't freaking shoot the guy in the head... bad move...

The scoops troops is nearly caught at the mall until something amazing happens... Eleven! as usual, she saves the day

But who will save her? her leg is killing her literally and there's something moving in there and it's so gross and awful but cliffhanger... we won't see what happens until next time because they always do this to us and that's how binge watching happens...

Well look who's being super patriotic to cover up the fact that he's destroying the town by colluding with Russians...

It's the mayor, Tru- I mean... Larry... hmmm...

Scoops Troop is still miles down under the mall and unsurprising to no one, they get caught... BUT the teens are good people who send the younger kids out for help but really they are sacrificing themselves to save the kids and I respect it, I have to...

The other teens are at Hopper's cabin arguing over who has agency over Eleven, is it Mike, herself? but really Mike loves her and men think that is the same as being able to control women just automatically...

Alexei is getting Burger King and a strawberry slurpee but he wanted cherry... so Hopper throws him around and out and he decides Strawberry is pretty good compared to getting murdered by his own country for betraying them by getting kidnapped by some Americans

Anyway he loves Woody woodpecker and american food so... he's smart enough to know where his whopper is buttered and it's not in the icy tundra where his life is threatened daily by a nine foot tall man that never smiles...

Steve and Robin get tortured and drugged because these super smart guys in this underground compound can tell they are spies even though they are dressed like Popeye and Pippi Longstocking and are both clearly teenagers.

Dustin and Erica actually save them though which, good for them.

Hopper and Joyce find out that the machine which Alexi calls a "key" is to open a door to the upside down and they call Owens at the fake library and Joyce has to be a "Karen" not wheeler just in the way that she's acting like a "karen" but really also a desperate mom which is understandable and she probably could take over the world if she wanted and I wish she would honestly.

Eleven finds Billy but he's just sitting there staring at the wall like he just realized he has a mullet. But actually it's a trap and they all know it but El sees a box of Lucky Charms and follows the rainbow to an idea to piggyback into his memories like she did her mom last season...

That's what El calls it, not yet, but she will, what do you want me to do?

And Billy knows it and lets her do it, and guys I can't even make jokes because these scenes are incredibly done. She goes through his traumatic past and sees his dad was the A-hole and it's not an excuse but it is the reason Billy is messed up.

And then she gets out of there but not really because the Mind Flayer has to threaten her and everyone else and make a little girl cry. Which makes Billy somewhere deep inside cry and honestly the scene is magical and tragic and I love it. Dacre is incredible, Millie is also as usual and the fact that the show would show a horrible character like Billy having compassion about at least some things is really good and it sucks that some people think this is a redemption because it's not... it's just that people are not ALL bad, even if they are still MOSTLY bad... and it says a lot for how bad the mind flayer is if Billy is not down for what he's doing... it's kind of like Christopher Columbus who was not just evil but was so evil that the colonizers of his day who were pretty bad were like "whoa my guy, you suck!"

Anyway happy indepence day Hawkins, you're about to feel those bombs bursting right up your asses!

It took the Scoops Troop and entire week to get to the bottom of this elevator shaft. Steve pees on the wall and it's gross.

Erica thinks she's going to drink some green sludge like she thinks it will make her a ninja turtle instead of just killing her.

Hopper almost blows Joyce up for speaking to any male in the world. And this Russian scientist is the second one in a week. Joyce you slut...

Joyce's new bf Alexi finds a 7/11 where he finds out about slurpees and it's the cutest thing. Hopper steals a car from the Todd Father which, eww and tells him that the adorable man in the back seat is a child murderer.

Underground in the elevator they finally find a way out but find themselves in the tunnels that are just about as long as the conclusions Hopper has been jumping to about Joyce.

Nancy wakes up Jonathon and only he would reference Oliver Twist before 6am...

In Mike's basement El is talking about Bad screams and Lucas questions what a good scream is and Max stops her from answering which is hilarious.

Nancy and Jonathon join the kids and they compare notes and go investigate more.

Steve finally wins a fight and they see the new gate

Hopper and Joyce and Alexi go to be around yet another man and I hope Hopper's head doesn't explode like his bronco did.

The rest of the cast is led to the hospital where they are again separated and El is extending grace to Mike who surprisingly doesn't mess it up.

He LEARNED and LISTENED and reacted in a non problematic way... maybe he should teach Hopper some things...

Jonathon has also learned that Nancy and every other female on this show is always right and why do they keep having to prove that?

They get to stab their ex bosses and it probably is pretty satisfying until they melt into a flesh jello mold that joins together in one big gross flesh monster and credits...