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What is passive-aggressive behaviour? Do you fight like this?

Passive-aggressive behaviour is when you express negative feelings indirectly instead of openly talking about them. It is a defence used to protect self. It might stem from early experiences and has become a way to protect self. It might also include feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self-esteem. It is often vindictive and a way of doing "fight' with someone.

It is a way of expressing negative feelings, rather than talking openly about the issue which as caused upset. It is a way to communicate anger and other forms of distress, without openly acknowledging the emotions. It might take the form of action or inaction. An example might be, the person who attends an event (unwillingly), then is rude or hostile. Alternatively, it might be that they avoid the event and give a partner the “silent treatment.” That is overt aggression, adopted as a communication style, as revenge for an upset caused to them.

Someone who uses passive aggression may feel angry, resentful, or frustrated, but they act neutral, pleasant, or even cheerful. They then find indirect ways to show how they really feel. They might say one thing, but do something quite contrary. They may do the thing they do not want to do and brood and complain whilst doing it.

They might do something that seems kind (on the surface), but is opposite to the other person's expectation and preference. For example, someone who knows you are trying to lose weight, purposely buys a large sugary birthday cake for you.

Passive aggression is a common coping mechanism that many people use from time to time, especially when they want to avoid direct conflict. People who engage in passive aggression may feel just as aggressive or hostile as those who adopt more overt forms of aggression.

Anger, frustration, and displeasure are normal emotions. People who rely on passive aggression rather than direct communication to show these emotions often grew up in a family where that behaviour was common. It might not have felt safe for them to directly express their feelings as a child.

Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior - like these other examples:

Limit/curtail communication: when clearly there is a problematic issue present

Avoiding/Ignoring/evading: because anger won't allow you to address the issue calmly

Procrastinating: intentionally putting off something and knowing it will adversely affect the other person(s)

Obstructing/deliberately stalling/preventing something

Avoiding situations: where competition might show you in an unfavourable light

Ambiguity/cryptic/unclear: not fully engaging

Sulking/silent treatment/sullen/dogmatic: in order to get attention or sympathy.

Purposely late: knowing that will offend

Thwarting/frustrating someone expectation: to be 'bloodyminded'

Purposely forgetting key matters: to show a blatant disregard and disrespect

Limiting/withholding/avoiding Intimacy: known to be liked by the other person

Making Excuses/coming up with reasons: for not doing things

Victim role: so as to avoid taking responsibility for own role

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