Your family might not have a “communication problem” as much as a nervous system problem. When stress spikes, logic detaches from emotion, tone sharpens, and we start speaking to win instead of speaking to connect. That is where this conversation with Jan Talen, a licensed marriage and family therapist with decades of experience, gets incredibly practical and oddly relieving. We dig into why words are only a small part of the message, and how pacing, eye contact, posture, and tone can either invite cooperation or trigger defensiveness in a partner or a teenager.

Jan walks us through Dan Siegel’s “hand model of the brain” and the real-world meaning of “flipping your lid” so you can spot it in yourself and your kids. We talk about what to do in the heat of a moment: the kind of deep breath that actually helps your brain work again, how long it can take to reset, and why most problems can wait long enough for you to calm down. If you tend to overexplain, rebut, or chase the last word, you will love Jan’s straight question: do you want to be right or do you want the relationship?

We also unpack Jan’s DNA method for family communication: Decide what you need to know and where you want this to end up, Notice what you need to get there (calm, info, alignment with a co-parent, better connection), then Apply your words in a way that fits the person you’re talking to. Along the way, we share simple connection builders, “redo” language you can use immediately, and how modeling healthier communication with a spouse, partner, or ex shapes your kids more than any lecture ever will.

If you found this helpful, subscribe, share it with a parent friend, and leave a review so more families can find these tools. What’s the hardest moment for you to pause before you respond?

Connect with Jan

Find Jan through her website, take her free Marriage Making Moment quiz or schedule a Conversation Connection.

Want your kids to practice great communication skills? Check out our live virtual classes here.

Welcome to Speak Out Stand Out — the show where we build confidence in our future, one voice at a time. I’m your host, Elizabeth Green.

I grew up shy, so I know firsthand how life-changing it can be when someone helps you find your voice. Now, I get to help kids and teens do exactly that — and this podcast is a place to share those tools with you.

Each week, I talk with experts and inspiring guests about simple, practical and tangible ways to help the young people in

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