Lately I’ve been noticing something shifting in me that feels both subtle and profound. It’s not a dramatic, overnight change, but more of a quiet reorganization happening from the inside out. The way I experience anger, in particular, is beginning to feel different. And that difference is changing how I show up in my relationship with my husband, Doug.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

For most of my clinical life I’ve understood anger through the familiar EFT lens: anger is often a secondary emotion. Beneath it is usually something more primary – fear, hurt, overwhelm, sadness, or longing. That framework has been profoundly helpful to me because so often what looks like criticism on the surface is really a protest rising from a much more tender place underneath.

Lately, though, I’ve been exploring another layer: what happens when the anger itself is primary? What happens when it’s not a protective, but the direct life-force energy that says, ’No. This isn’t okay. Something needs to change.’

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.

For most of my clinical life, I’ve understood anger through the familiar EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) lens: anger is conceptualized as a “secondary” emotion. The “primary” emotion is something like fear, inferiority, guilt, hurt, or sadness – usually based on some early attachment wound.

That framework has been enormously helpful to me, both personally and professionally, because so often what appears as anger (in the form of criticism) on the surface is really a protest rising from a much more vulnerable place underneath.

Lately, with a framework offered by my supervisor, Lori Marchek, I’ve been exploring a different possibility. What if some anger isn’t secondary? What if some anger is primary? What if it’s not a defensive move, but a direct expression of discernment?

I’ve been practicing this in my own life, especially in moments when I’m tempted to either criticize or collapse.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.