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Internalized Homophobia: The Stories We Tell About Ourselves (and Each Other)

Aired April 24

What if the hardest judgment you face isn’t coming from the outside world—but from the story you’ve learned to tell about yourself?

In this episode of The Mindfully Gay Podcast, hosts John Cottrell and Jerry Buie name a pattern many gay men quietly carry: internalized homophobia—the inherited beliefs, fears, and assumptions that can shape how we see ourselves, how we relate to other gay men, and how safe we feel showing up in community.

John and Jerry explore how internalized homophobia often hides in plain sight:

• The urge to measure yourself against heteronormative “standards” of masculinity, worth, and belonging
• The way painful experiences can turn into sweeping beliefs like “gay men can’t be trusted” or “I don’t fit in”
• Why so many gay men feel isolated from other gay men, even when they crave connection
• How social media comparison can intensify shame, exclusion, and the feeling that you’re “not enough”
• The nervous system fears behind simple moments—like why saying “hello” at the gym can feel loaded with anxiety or rejection

This conversation is also deeply practical. John and Jerry share how to start interrupting the narrative loop—through small acts of courage, real-world connection, and community spaces that aren’t centered on partying or performance. From gym interactions to social groups, they reflect on how testing your assumptions in real life can dissolve the myths that keep you stuck.

If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, if you’ve judged yourself for being “too much” or “not enough,” or if you’ve pulled away from gay community out of fear—this episode offers language, compassion, and a path forward.

🎧 Listen and download the audio episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

📺 Watch the video podcast on YouTube: Mindfully Gay Podcast.

@mindfully_gay (Instagram)

Send us Fan Mail

Internalized Homophobia: The Stories We Tell About Ourselves (and Each Other)

Airs April 24

What if the hardest judgment you face isn’t coming from the outside world—but from the story you’ve learned to tell about yourself?

In this episode of The Mindfully Gay Podcast, hosts John Cottrell and Jerry Buie name a pattern many gay men quietly carry: internalized homophobia—the inherited beliefs, fears, and assumptions that can shape how we see ourselves, how we relate to other gay men, and how safe we feel showing up in community.

@mindfully_gay (Instagram)

Send us Fan Mail

What does queer community really need right now—and what happens when Pride becomes more than a parade, a slogan, or a once-a-year celebration?

In this special on-location episode of The Mindfully Gay Podcast, hosts John Cottrell and Jerry Buie step outside the studio and head to the Utah Pride Center in downtown Salt Lake City for an eye-opening conversation with Executive Director Chad Call. Together, they explore what it means to build authentic LGBTQ+ community in a time marked by political pressure, cultural shifts, financial uncertainty, and a growing hunger for connection.

This episode goes beyond surface-level ideas of Pride and gets to the heart of what many queer people are searching for right now: belonging, support, visibility, joy, healing, and meaningful community spaces. Chad offers a behind-the-scenes look at how the Utah Pride Center serves the LGBTQ+ community through youth programs, senior gatherings, therapy access, support groups, social events, volunteer opportunities, and grassroots outreach across the state of Utah.

John, Jerry, and Chad also discuss the changing needs of queer people today. Why are more people looking for community spaces that are not only about struggle, but also about celebration, creativity, friendship, and queer joy? How do LGBTQ+ organizations stay responsive when different groups within the community have different needs? And how can listeners support queer spaces that are working to unite, empower, and celebrate people in real and lasting ways?

The conversation also takes on difficult but necessary topics, including the current challenges facing Pride organizations across the country, the loss of corporate sponsorships, the importance of community-based funding, and the question of how LGBTQ+ spaces can remain inclusive while responding to urgent political realities. Throughout the episode, John and Jerry continue the Mindfully Gay mission of asking honest questions, making room for nuance, and amplifying voices across the queer community.

If you’ve ever wondered what a Pride Center actually does, why queer community spaces still matter, or how we can show up for one another in a more thoughtful and sustainable way, this is an episode you won’t want to miss.

@mindfully_gay (Instagram)

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More Than Pride: What Queer Community Needs Now

Airs April 10

What does queer community really need right now—and what happens when Pride becomes more than a parade, a slogan, or a once-a-year celebration?

In this special on-location episode of The Mindfully Gay Podcast, hosts John Cottrell and Jerry Buie step outside the studio and head to the Utah Pride Center in downtown Salt Lake City for an eye-opening conversation with Executive Director Chad Call. Together, they explore what it means to build authentic LGBTQ+ community in a time marked by political pressure, cultural shifts, financial uncertainty, and a growing hunger for connection.

@mindfully_gay (Instagram)

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What does it mean to feel invisible in a community that’s supposed to be yours?

In this episode of The Mindfully Gay Podcast, John and Jerry respond to the strong reactions sparked by their recent “Kindness” episode—and follow the ripple to something even bigger: why so many gay and queer men feel disillusioned with gay culture, and why it can be so hard to actually show up for the kind of connection we say we want.

Jerry shares what he’s seeing in his therapy office again and again: men who feel dismissed, disconnected, and tired of the pressure to perform—whether it’s image, status, or the over-sexualized expectations that can dominate queer spaces. John and Jerry name the uncomfortable paradox: so many of us say we want community beyond hookups and nightlife—yet we hesitate to attend the very spaces designed for that (bowling nights, movie nights, retreats, and real conversation).

From there, the conversation turns to a topic that hits hard for many listeners: aging in gay male culture. What happens when you start telling yourself you’re “not relevant” anymore? What happens when you put yourself out to pasture before anyone else can?

Jerry opens up about confronting the stories he carried about getting older—body shame, desirability, confidence, and belonging—and how he’s choosing a new path through what he calls rebranding: challenging old narratives, engaging what feels intimidating, and creating a more honest relationship with his body, his sexuality, and his purpose.

John and Jerry also explore what queer spaces may be missing: eldership, mentorship, and intergenerational connection. They compare that gap to cultures where elders are honored, included, and seen as essential—and they ask what it would look like for queer community to function more like a circle than a hierarchy. Not “who’s at the top,” but who’s at the table.

If you’ve ever thought…

• “I don’t fit in.”
• “Gay culture feels superficial.”
• “I want deeper friendships, but I don’t know where to start.”
• “I’m getting older and I’m not sure where I belong.”

…this episode is for you.

@mindfully_gay (Instagram)

Send us Fan Mail

What does it mean to feel invisible in a community that’s supposed to be yours?

In this episode of The Mindfully Gay Podcast, John and Jerry respond to the strong reactions sparked by their recent “Kindness” episode—and follow the ripple to something even bigger: why so many gay and queer men feel disillusioned with gay culture, and why it can be so hard to actually show up for the kind of connection we say we want.

@mindfully_gay (Instagram)

Send us Fan Mail

In this powerful and timely episode of The Mindfully Gay Podcast, hosts John Cottrell and Jerry Buie take on one of the most talked-about queer TV series of the year—Heated Rivalry—and use it as a mirror to explore how gay men are portrayed in media, how those portrayals shape our self-image, and what it means to feel truly seen.

While Heated Rivalry has been praised for its steamy chemistry and bold storytelling, John and Jerry go beyond the hype to examine what the show really says about gay love, intimacy, masculinity, coming out, and belonging. They reflect on how earlier generations grew up watching tragic or stereotyped depictions of LGBTQ+ people—and how modern shows are shifting that narrative, but not without complications.

This conversation looks at the tension between sexual visibility and emotional depth, asking:

Are we finally seeing ourselves represented… or are new stereotypes just replacing old ones?

John and Jerry also compare Heated Rivalry with more emotionally grounded queer stories, talk about how Hollywood shapes gay identity, and connect these portrayals to the real-world fears many queer people feel about showing up, being judged, or not fitting in.

From reality TV to dating apps, from drag culture to queer retreats, this episode explores how media influences what we think it means to be gay—and how we can reclaim our own stories with kindness, courage, and authenticity.

Whether you loved Heated Rivalry, felt conflicted by it, or are just curious about how queer stories are evolving, this episode invites you to reflect on what resonates, what feels missing, and how we can build a more honest and inclusive community.

@mindfully_gay (Instagram)

Send us Fan Mail

In this powerful and timely episode of The Mindfully Gay Podcast, hosts John Cottrell and Jerry Buie take on one of the most talked-about queer TV series of the year—Heated Rivalry—and use it as a mirror to explore how gay men are portrayed in media, how those portrayals shape our self-image, and what it means to feel truly seen.

@mindfully_gay (Instagram)